He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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