the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
