Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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