Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
