My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
The air was thick with penises
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
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