I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
