Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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