The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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