I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
