If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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