My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
