Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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