How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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