is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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