You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
there is puke in my bra ... again
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