Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
