grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
