Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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