we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
