Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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