i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
