btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
