Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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