lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
