Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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