there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
