put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
