I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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