I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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