We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
