I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
