Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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