They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Vodka?
Forever.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
