I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
