I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
