I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
