you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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