Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Randomize
