I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
