ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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