So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
she looked like the before picture.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
