The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
