I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
