just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
