Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
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