i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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