I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
