The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
