I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
a search helicopter?!
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
