11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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